I curled up with my 15-year-old daughter, Skyler Rose, a few nights ago to watch the MTV Video Music Awards to see the cream of pop, hip-hop and rap music. But we were unnerved by the message delivered by host Chris Rock: It's not just lonely at the top--it's humiliating.

Jennifer Lopez, he said, needed two limousines: one for her and one for her rear-end. He complimented the Backstreet Boys after their performance, calling them "crackers with attitude." That was an improvement over his initial remarks, telling them to note New Kids on the Block's career. Didn't they see that movie?--implying the Boys' next stop was oblivion. Fat Boy Slim picked up three Moonman statues and the slur of "white retard." Britney Spears and 'N Sync took the stage after being ridiculed with the shout, "Do you want to hear some lip-synching?" Could Chris dance and deliver comedy at the same time?

His remarks went past satire into mean-spiritedness.

Call me crazy. Call me old-fashioned. But in the old days, if a person worked hard over many years, sacrificed to hone skills and perfect talents, rose to the top of the professional ladder, a reward for achievement came with praise and respect. No longer. Now, as evidenced by the MTV telecast, the payback for succeeding is an evening of disrespect and humiliation.

I don't know how Lopez took the stage with such grace and charm after repeated chauvinistic abuse. I know I would've run out of the Metropolitan Opera House in tears.

An even more disconcerting theme to Rock's hosting was racism. "What happened to the cool white guys?" he asked, dismissing Kid Rock, Limp Bizkit, etc., as black rapper wannabes. It didn't escape me or my daughter that black performers such as Lauryn Hill and Will Smith escaped insults and instead were treated with awe.

As a co-author of several parenting books and an online advisor on adolescents, I tell parents to steep themselves in the youth culture. "Watch MTV," I insist. "Help your teen analyze the messages."

The message of the Video Music Awards: It's cool to be unkind. That's the opposite of the message I'm spearheading--along with my co-author, Charlene Giannetti--in a national campaign called It's Cool to Be Kind.

After Littleton, Colo., our youth have to reevaluate a climate that endorses disrespect and put-downs at the expense of civility, much less kindness. How can we expect teenagers to act compassionately in middle and high school hallways when their icons in the world of MTV dish out sexist, racist and insensitive insults? And when even the best and brightest stars become victims and take the verbal abuse? How can we foster an appreciation of diversity when we applaud entertainment where the language includes words like "retard" and affirms racial divisiveness, not harmony?

These performers deserve to feel good on their night of recognition. I suspect more than one felt like they were back in middle school being taunted by a bully.

My daughter and I want MTV to apologize to Nick Carter and his Backstreet mates, to Jennifer Lopez, to Fat Boy Slim. MTV can be rebellious, outlandish, irreverent--fine. But it's not cutting-edge to be Neanderthal or cruel, not after Littleton.